Into the Darkness: Excerpts Written by PatBunny

Recently, I’ve been working on a very long story titled Into the Darkness and I wanted to share some of my favorite excerpts from it. I hope you enjoy reading it just as much as I enjoyed writing it!

“Life moved on and left me behind. My parents didn’t believe in that century old saying, “Children should be seen, not heard.” But they didn’t believe in the opposite either. They believed “Children should do as the parents say, and must listen to their parents for their own benefit.” Everything must be good, pretty, perfect. A facade under which lies a creeping disease…On and on and on, repeating conversations and mistakes, starting but never ending fights.”

“But I like to think that where I lacked, I made up for it with my friends. They were my safe haven, the people who had no clue what was going on at home but nevertheless liked me just enough. I always admired their families, envied their freedoms, relished the memories that were theirs. I told you I was crazy; it had gone to my head.”

“Of course, I’m not innocent. I did many things I would later regret, and many things I didn’t do that I am so proud of not going through with. But that was life. And life went on. It left you in the dust, and gave you a piece of cloth. You could cover your face with it and stand there or you could tie it to your feet and keep walking ahead. I like to think I braved the dust, but in reality, I think I just stood there like an idiot and took it all. I didn’t try to change anything, and I suffered for it, even though it seemed the easier way out. I guess we’ll never know, huh? Life’s just swell, just grand. You take it out and twist it up and then what you’re left with just isn’t good enough.”

“…that’s exactly what it was, fully baseless…That’s all it was, but along the way, it became something more. Broken people attract other broken people, and so we had gravitated towards each other unintentionally. And now, we had left the past behind us. We’d proven them wrong, and we’d do it again. Together, we were strong. We needed help; that was always a given. But at this point, nothing was impossible.”

“…Of course, it wasn’t all us. Our parents did their best; they tried to understand. But, there’s only so much they can understand, only so much they can feel. Sometimes, they were the glue. And sometimes, they were what cracked us in the first place. That was parents for you. But, it left me with a question. How could we say we forged our own path, when it was our parents who lent us their tools and helped us build the foundation? No doubt, sometimes there were cracks in the path. Cracks in our foundation. Our parents left it broken in some places, and thus, we were left to clean up the mess and rebuild it. But, our pathway was made possible only because our parents helped us. So, at what cost? At the cost of the number of cracks in the pavement, at the cost of the lack of enough stepping stones? At what cost, and once again, at what benefit? The question I was left with: have we really forged our own path and succeeded?”

“My head hurt. Why was I thinking so much? This was all unnecessary at 9pm on a Monday night…I needed to get some sleep, but my head was running on a motor, like I’d just had a few cups of coffee and was at my full brain capacity. Ugh. Why did my deep thoughts have to come at such an ungodly hour?”

Continue reading below excerpts at your own discretion:

“Those feelings, those ugly dark feelings. Is this how it felt to want to end your life? The headache from thinking about it, the sick sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach just wanting to do it. The waves of nausea knowing you won’t throw up but wishing you could. The pain behind your eyes wishing you could wake up and this was all a bad dream. And then that final thought that makes you flinch and sigh in defeat because you know you don’t have the guts to go through with it, but you wish you did. That feeling of gratefulness you have for your life before it goes right down the drain. Is that what this feels like? If so, then this is the worst hell to be in. And I needed help getting out of it.”

“I closed my eyes, squeezed them shut, and started to count my breaths. Images flashed before my eyes…My heart started pounding. My breathing became more desperate. I felt suffocated. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t calm down. I pushed myself up and sat up in bed. I needed to go. I needed an escape. Pushing back the covers in a hurry, I got out of bed and made my way into the kitchen. I sat down on the cold hard ground, right there on the kitchen floor, and tried to calm down. Deep breaths, deep breaths…My hand pushed against my chest. Make it slow down. Make it slow down. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Panic flooded my body, my fingers twitching and my eyes blinking rapidly. Calm. Down. I huffed and bent over, covering my face with my hands. This was too much, too fast…Finally, I managed to take a deep breath and ease my racing heart. Slowly, I got up and filled a glass of water. What was wrong with me? Why was I so worked up over the past and the future? I took a few sips, the water sticking in my throat and making it feel like I was drowning. This wasn’t helping…I sighed, covering my face with my hands. “Go to sleep. Forget this. Forget all of this and just sleep,” I mumbled to myself. I finished the glass of water and went back into the bedroom, sliding back into bed and pulling the covers over my body…Sleep came slowly, but surely. A wave of blackness into which I was falling, falling, falling endlessly into the darkness.”

~ PatBunny

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